For so long now, I haven't really been able to say anything regarding friendship. I have no opinion. I have none. But the last few months have really been the key to me figuring out what friendship means - and the pain that comes with it.

The last few months, I've been spending more time working or just alone than with my friends. But, these aren't people I'd call amazing. Yes, they've overcome their hardships just like anyone else in this day and age. And my boyfriend... yes, he, too I have been neglectful with. But please, let me explain.

You see, my mother has bipolar disorder. Depression. Cholesterol problems. Breathing problems, no doubt stemming from too long on the coffin nails, but they're there nonetheless. She is on multiple types of medication that even I have no idea regarding. And, I am her daughter. I don't doubt that I inherited them, but there's nothing to say that I won't end up like her one day. I vowed never to smoke, and I plan to stick by that. But the medication is insane. I don't know what I would do if I was ever prescribed the levels of pain medication that she is.

I try to keep my head held high. I spend my time doing things hopefully to cheer myself up, like cooking or playing on my 360. But, there are these times. Times like these where I feel like there's a lead weighted vest on me. Like someone is holding a gun to my head, and I can feel the weight of it on my chest, and in my soul. I always feel like there really nothing I can do about it. Kyle... well, he's he. He loves me no matter what, and I owe him that much. But when the very people who you've grown up with figuratively abandon you, it's hard. It's harder when you can't get the people who you miss to understand what you're feeling.

I have a life better than some that I know. But there's still an emptiness in me. I had it in middle school, when.. I woke up one day. I don't remember what it was from. But whatever it was, I couldn't control it. I couldn't keep it, and it doesn't feel like I was meant to.

I'm nothing more than a woman in this world. I wish I could control how I left my mark.